“she takes a sip of the dark smooth Cabernet tearing down her glass and she contemplates…”
When I think of me; of who I am, what I’ve of done with my 25 years on this planet and the words that will be uttered when I finally leave this horrid place..I tend to come up short. I look back on what has brought me to the here and now and a lot of it is pretty negative. I’ve cheated, I’ve stolen, I’ve partaken in the recreational use of illegal substances, I’ve had premarital sex with multiple partners, I birthed a child out of wedlock. — and as bad as all this is. The last one, that one I wouldn’t take back for all the tea in china. That is my first mark on this world. Alexa Joyce Goss, born January 15th 2012 — my Saving Grace. This beautiful almost two year old is the light of my life. She is the reason I am still here today so when people look back and think of me..at least I got one thing right.
The second staple in my existence is pretty physical. I was born with Cerebral Palsy and my whole life that’s how I have identified. I’m nothing but “a 25 year old conquering Cerebral Palsy” and I guess that’s it. The fact that I have beaten all the odds placed against me on January 8th 1989 (12 weeks before I was due) “she won’t make it.” — i’m still here. “she’s going to have downs syndrome” — not in the least. “she’ll never get out of bed on her own” — I also bath, dress, cook, clean and have 24/7 care of a toddler. “she’ll never be able to conceive or carry a child to term” — done and done. I might do my daily tasks differently but i do them with pride. Having Cerebral Palsy, even as mildly as I do, sneaks up and desperately tries to drag me down, I won’t have any of it. It has always been “oh yeah, the girl on crutches, yeah I know her..” and i’ve accepted that. I’ve owned that title and I wear it everyday.
The final piece to my puzzle would be Alexa’s father and my soon to be husband. “she found what she was looking for in him..” I can hear it now. Ben makes me a person I am able to look in the face. Not only does he make me feel beautiful and worthy but he gives me the strength I need to go after my dreams. He brought me out of a really dark place, gave the the most precious gift a man can give a women and then he asked me to stand by his side for the rest of our lives. I couldn’t be happier with the decisions i’ve made in the last 3 years. I am thankful every day that these three things are such important parts of me; they make me, they are me.